I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

Have you ever been drunk in the middle of the day? And I don’t mean a couple of cocktails with lunch — I mean like severely messed up. It’s weird because you can’t even properly relate to people anymore. I was like, ‘What do you mean I can’t get an …

Anytime there was a problem in the world, we’d send troops. Now, anytime there’s a problem in the world, we send food. Problem in Bosnia, we send them food. Problem in Somalia, we send them food. Clinton’s like my mom.

Sometimes I wonder, what would I get for my last meal? Probably Mexican food because it’s my favorite food. It makes you a little gassy, but so what, you’re going down in an hour — not a big deal. And then, they’ll be like, ‘Any last words?’ ‘Yeah, pull my …

I went to the Carnegie Deli, and I had one of the celebrity sandwiches. I had the Joe Franklin, and what they do is they serve the dressing on the side, and they comb it over the sandwich.

I actually dated this one girl — she was a vegan — one time, we were simply ordering coffee at a diner, and she looked at me, right in the face, and she goes, ‘Oh, I don’t believe in sugar.’ Bitch, it exists!

I’m watching TV with my father late at night ’cause he doesn’t sleep. And you know that commercial for ‘Save the Children’? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, ‘For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day’? My father and I are …

I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff that you don’t need.

Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, ‘Ration the candy.’ I say, ‘Let them eat as much as they want — they throw up, the rest is mine.’ That’s how I handle Halloween.

I was tired, so I got me one of them energy drinks… They tell you they give you a boost, give you energy, right — give you wings? Yeah, if you drink one of ’em. What they don’t tell you: if you drink four of ’em, you’re liable to be …