I found out I cannot take my wife to a wedding that was better than ours. Oh man, we went to this real nice, fancy wedding — they had stuff like food.

You can’t get any more famous when you get your very own candy bar named after you. You know what Michael Jackson’s candy bar is? White chocolate, no nuts.

I stop at a Burger King. I wasn’t hungry; I just go in to harass the employees. I go and I address them by their first name. This confuses the hell out of them because they have forgotten they’re wearing a name tag.

Q: What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra? A: Oooh — Henry!

Q: How do you know if a chef is a clown? A: The food tastes funny.

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? A: Nacho cheese.

I was working recently in London — what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn’t used to their money, though, ’cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates — the cashier said, ‘That’ll be 10 pounds.’ I’m like, ‘Rub it in, why don’t you?’

Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread? A: “If I had that much dough, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people? You know, I could understand one or two, but 17 — you’re eating just to eat.

So I’m on the way in here tonight, and I see this panhandler, this homeless guy, right? And he’s trying to bum some change off me for food — while he was eating! Totally unprofessional.