I only made it 11 days. I had to quit. I was backed up like the mall parking lot at Christmas time.

Do you ever eat chips and dip? That’s like crack, isn’t it? One bite and you’re totally hooked.

Being Puerto Rican in New York, I grew up — I swear to you — thinking that White Castle hamburgers was traditional, indigenous Puerto Rican food.

Q: What’s brown and lives in a bell tower? A: The lunchbag of Notre Dame.

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a sensible dinner.’ How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?

I think their slogan should be, ‘You give us a week, we’ll take off seven days.’

I was over in the Middle East in November. And I’m hanging out with a cousin, and he’s driving us around, showing us the city and Cairo. Arabs are all anti-American right now. I witnessed it first hand. I’m over there and I’m driving around with him, and he’s just …

They’ve broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: ‘The salt was low.’ ‘Pick up bread. We be back.’ Grease all over my stove — they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.

My dad was Catholic, my mom was Baptist — which was great ’cause at church we got bread and chicken.