I’m a vegetarian. We worshipped animals when we were growing up ’cause my mother was a cow. I’m kidding — my father loves that joke.

Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, ‘Will work for food,’ some of them have what they want: ‘Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.’

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don’t know. And you’re looking at them, like, ‘You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, …

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. The waiter tells them, “Excuse me — if you were going to order the steak, I’m afraid there’s a shortage due to the mad cow disease.” The Texan says, “What’s a shortage?” The Russian says, “What’s …

A banana peel and a banana are robbing a store. “Don’t worry,” says the peel. “I’ve got you covered!”

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? A: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Q: What do you call a 70s cookie band? A: OREO Speedwagon.

Nixon, Carter, Kennedy are on a boat. The boat’s going down. Carter says, ‘Women and children first.’ Nixon says, ‘Screw them.’ Kennedy says, ‘Do you think we have time?’

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn’t quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So …

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?