I have a gay sister, which has been great for me ’cause my parents have now forgiven me everything. At this point, if I brought home a dwarf with a mohawk, six tattoos and a nose ring, as long as he has a penis, he can stay for dinner.

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.

I don’t think she loves me. I think she’s just having sex with me for the exercise, so when she meets a guy she’s in love with, she’s still in good shape. Here was a clue. We’re doing it, and all I’m hearing is ‘Oh, Chuck, more — and four …

I think the key to any successful relationship is keeping the sex fresh. I said to her the other night, ‘Let’s do some sexual role playing. You pretend to be the hostess of some big dinner party. I’ll pretend to be the kid from the local high school you hired …

My girlfriend right now, she’s one-quarter Cherokee Indian. Her name is Partly Cloudy.

We all know that every man’s fantasy is to have a threesome. That’s every guy’s fantasy. Yeah, great — instead of one woman I can’t satisfy, now I have two.

I can’t get engaged because that involves calling people back.

My ex-girlfriend called. She’s getting married; she called to tell me. Yeah, she called. She wanted closure. I said, ‘What part of us not talking the last year seemed open to you?’

I hear from one guy — who I don’t even think I’m seeing anymore — calls me out of the blue and then says, ‘It’s only been two weeks.’ I’m thinking, ‘Two weeks?! Do you know what that is in girl years? We’re talking six, seven, eight, nine years, hon.’

At 18, I married a vacuum cleaner salesman with a lazy eye. Our wedding song was ‘Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad’ by Meatloaf.