My wife travels a lot with her job. She’s, uh, a drug mule. They are always on the go.

She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn’t really like me very much. But luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.

During our time together, I’ve experienced everything from premature ejaculation to erectile dysfunction and everything in between — not that there’s been all that much.

I’m like, ‘Honey, I don’t know how else to put it. I just want to make sweet love to my wife. I don’t know what else to say or do, just please, please come with me to the bedroom. Oh hey, check it out, what’s that on the pillow? Is …

Marriage? Sure. Dabbled in it a little during the late 80s. Wild stuff, brother, wild stuff.

The name of this song is ‘Things We Want to Know.’ The first verse is things men want to know about women; second verse is things women want to know about men. Here are the guys: ‘Why do you think you’re so pretty? And why do you wear the panty …

I promise to love, honor and cherish you — for about two days a month.

It’s America, not a load of laundry — no need to separate the white and the colors.

Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy — right away, you have something in common. So, I’ve spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

There are two types of people in the world: there are those who have lots of casual sex with strangers — and there’s jealous people.