Surely, there must be a more dignified way to express your love and admiration for another human being — like baking them a cake or something, or just leaving them alone for a while.

I love college girls. The only girls I date in college, though, are sorority girls. Why? Because they’re dumb. You can trick them so easy. ‘I’m your boyfriend.’ ‘Oh my God! Let’s have sex!’

I was asked once. We actually set a date. I knew he wasn’t committed because he only penciled it in.

I think the thing to remember when you’re looking for true love is just keep your hopes up. ‘Cause you never know, you could round a corner and bump into Mr. You Might Do.

I’m single now. And it’s really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I’ve just been cheating.

I like psycho chicks…. Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you’re gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

You know who’s mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? ‘Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that’s the new minimum. ‘Cause you know how women are, man. Women get upset: ‘Oh, …

When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they’ll say, ‘Oh, that’s Gladys’ work, ain’t it?’

I thought I was real racist because I was liking those black men — so black that if you looked at a picture of them, it looks like a negative.

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, “Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only …