When I say to a guy, ‘Look, we’ve gotta talk,’ what I really mean is, ‘We’ve been together for months. I’ve now twisted my personality into an emotional pretzel to accommodate your every need. I want to know your idea of commitment versus my idea of commitment. Are we getting …

A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones.Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.The man asked the …

Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them.The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.The third guy …

Now that I’m grown, I’m scared ’cause I’m thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can’t be Superman then, you know. It’s like, ‘Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound — every other weekend.’

Maybe Mr. So-and-So isn’t coming up to us ’cause he knows it’s gonna cost him $10 bucks just to say hello, and we’re gonna tell him to f**k off. And if we don’t tell him to f**k off, it’s gonna cost him another $20 to get the wrong phone number.

I even shaved above the knee for this one, you guys. Woo-hoo! I am feeling saucy now. You ever have somebody talk you into shaving the whole thing off? God, it looks so stupid. I look like a great big naked baby.

If you’re black in America, you’re relatively well-spoken, well-dressed, well-educated, sooner or later you can count on one of your white contemporaries — with the very best of intentions — turning to you and saying something along the lines of, ‘You know what? You are so damn cool. Sometimes, I …

A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.The wife says “I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain — I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”The wife turns to …

I was married at one time — which is not the same as having sex, but an incredible simulation.

I was in love with a girl. I thought we was in love. She said, ‘Tony, I think I want to see other people.’ I said, ‘You better look out the window.’