I’m relaxing on the beach, and all of a sudden, all these women start gathering around me. They got these big signs; they’re going, ‘Fur is murder! Fur is murder!’ I said, ‘Lady, that’s my back. Now get off it.’

So this is what I would do if I found this kitten: I would take her and I would shave her and I would dye her purple and I’d put little leather pants on her and I’d teach her to talk somehow — I don’t know how — and I’d …

Q: What’s the difference between a man and a pig? A: There’s a difference?

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, “May I help you, sir?” The duck replies, “Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.”

Q: What did did the mother duck say to her duckling? A: “If you don’t behave, I’m gonna quack you one.”

Q: What can a bird do that a man can’t? A: Whistle through his pecker.

Q: What kind of dog hears voices? A: A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic.

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, “Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that’s going around?” The other cow answers, “Yeah, makes you glad you’re a penguin, doesn’t it?”

Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.Jeremy says, “Man, I wish I could do that!”Kris replies, “I think you’d have to pet him first.”

What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.