We fishing the other day, and I get hammered and I’m like, ‘I gotta take a leak.’ So, I start peeing in the lake — realized I was in the fish tank up at the Red Lobster. Thank God they put some rubber bands on them lobster pinchers, I tell …

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? Rhesus Pieces.

You ever go to your friend’s house and try to turn on the TV? It’s impossible. They have, like, 45 remote controls, right? Have you ever had your friend tell you to turn on the TV and then he leaves. And you’re just like, ‘Oh, sh*t’ — just pick up …

Every time I see a politician on the campaign trail, they make all kinds of promises they have no intention of living up to. Basically, our election system has become a more sophisticated version of that game you used to play with your dog when you were a kid, where …

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Polar. Polar who? Polar pants down!

Knock, Knock.Who’s there?Interrupting cow.Interrupting cow wh–MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly. Cows go, “Moo.”

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe put sunblock on my back?

What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer’s day? A mice cream cone!

Well, you know, plants are living things, too. They’re just easier to catch.