I never really had pets when I was a kid. There was one time I asked my mom for a puppy. She was like, ‘Nah, puppies cost too much. I’m gonna get you a dog from the shelter. They cheaper.’ I don’t know if you know about those dogs from …

A toad with a yellow penis wants to fit in with the other toads in the neighborhood, so he decides to see the local wizard.“You’ll have to go to the wizard in Kansas, because I can’t help you,” says the wizard.The next day, an elephant comes in with a pink …

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, “These sleepovers are killing me.”

Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar? A: A leap year.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? Giant holes all over Africa!

Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.

Who had the biggest, creepiest, deadliest bug crawling on them without them even knowing it, and then the bug almost stings them, but for whatever reason doesn’t sting them and crawls off them and only you know about it?

I don’t eat chicken; I’m a vegetarian. I’m not a full vegetarian, like I’ll eat hamburgers and hot dogs.

Could you imagine the wonderful, beautiful poop that this thing must take? That’s why they beat their chest. I’d be beating my chest, too, if I had 60 pounds of crap comin’ out of me.

If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens — all animals, I’m pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves.