Pit bull, that’s my dog of choice right there. I told my wife about it. I thought pit bulls had, pound for pound, the most crushing power in their jaws of any animal. She watches the Discovery Channel, told me that’s not true. No, the animal with the most crushing …

The snake jumps up to bite him; he blocks it away. He looks up and he goes, ‘Oh, he’s grumpy today.’ Yeah, he’s grumpy because you’re banging him in the head with a stick. That’s the number one cause of grumpiness.

Snails are untrustworthy because they crawl around with their houses on their backs.

It’s never easy putting a pet to sleep. That’s why we say things like, ‘We decided to put Fluffy out of his misery.’ No, what you decided was that Fluffy’s company isn’t worth $500.

I’m opposed to product testing on animals, especially in cosmetics research. What can we possibly learn from it? So what if a dog looks good in lipstick?

I’ve always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, ‘It’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.’ I wouldn’t go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren’t afraid …

One time when I was feeding the squirrels, I happened to catch sight of two rats who were looking on with obvious envy, and it hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they’re just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

I look down, I see this big dog sitting there licking himself, like dogs do. I turn to my friend, I say, ‘I wish I could do that.’ He said, ‘Go over and pet him, maybe he’ll let you.’

I might vote for Bush. I’m confused. My dog is not confused; he sees a bush, he knows exactly what to do.

Promised some people this week that I would water their plants and take care of their animals while they want on vacation. Bad idea — the people are farmers.