Yo’ Mama is so skinny, she wears waders in the shower to keep from slipping down the drain.

Yo’ Mama is so skinny, she could hang glide on a Dorito.

So, my wife’s lying there. She’s smoking her special after-sex Benson and Hedges 9000. She goes, ‘You know, John, we’ve been married a long time. Maybe it’s time we thought about having a threesome.’ ‘Yeah.’ Then I said, ‘You know what, Fran? I’m 260, you’re 180 — I think we …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.

I got on the plane yesterday. I said, ‘Sit me next to the fattest son of a bitch on this plane. ‘Cause when that explosion hits and that hole comes in the side — maybe he’ll get sucked into it long enough for me to get off the plane.’ Is …

White women — when you get a big ass, white women get all crazy. ‘Honey your ass is getting big.’ ‘What? No! Stop it! No!’ You tell a Latina or black woman her ass is getting big, she goes, ‘Oh really? It’s good, right?’

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she fills the bathtub before she even turns on the water.

Make sure you laugh normally. My grandfather, very scary — big Italian grandfather, very scary laugher. You don’t know if he’s gonna blackout, cave in or throw up on you when he laughs.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she sweats barbeque sauce.

What do you do — eat the right foods, exercise? Live ’til you’re 97 so your relatives can empty your urine bottle every five minutes? Oh, thanks for living so long, Grandpa. All I want to do is tend to your bodily fluids!