Q: What did the apple say to the worm? A: You’re boring me.

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl? A: He got pissed off.

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, “Twist to open.”

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: Who else would follow a chicken?

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.

Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog — it croaks every night.

People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? ‘Ooh, there’s a hair in my food.’ You’re eating bacon — there’s a pig’s ass in your food.

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see …

I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right — those poor cows. I’m thinking of starting the first annual ‘Take Back the Field’ rally. I’ve got some slogans for the cows, like, ‘Moo Means No!’ Or, ‘Hey, …

Cats are cool because you don’t have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home — they’re yours. You ain’t never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They’re under there like, ‘Meow,’ and you be …