What’s the difference between a blonde and a hole in the mattress? I still can’t find the difference.

How do you make a woman yell twice? Hump her butt then wipe your wiener on her curtains!

Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan while you’re having sex? A: Let her catch you doing it.

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town. The woman says to the man, ”You want to hold my hand, don’t you?” The man says,”Yes, how did you know?” She says, ”By the gleam in your eye.” So they held hands. A little down …

My job used to be to watch adult films and tell people what they’re about. People would come in and go, ‘What’s “Romancing the Bone” about?’ It’s about 90 minutes too long. That’s what it’s about.

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea. “I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say …

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when …

Did you feel the shifting of tectonic plates a moment ago, or was that just me?

Haven’t I seen you before? Your rate of radioactive decay is exceptional.

I bet you’re metric kilotons of fun.