Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven? ‘Cause I almost slammed my hand in a car door the other day.

Q: If there were four potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? A: The one that’s labeled “Idaho.”

Q: What’s long, hard and filled with seamen? A: A submarine.

Q: What’s long, green and has “cum” in it? A: A cucumber.

I’m reaching my sexual peak here, tonight. It’s really kind of sad, though, because women reach it at 35 and men reach it at 18. It’s really depressing because now I have to drive past high schools to find guys in their sexual peak.

Something happens to your innocence when you get to be 30. You’ve had sex. You’ve done it a million times because that’s just the kind of gal you are: do it ’til you can’t walk, and feel good about it. But then something happens. Then you meet the greatest guy …

Why do men walk so fast? They’ve got three legs! Why do women talk so much? They’ve got two mouths!

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma’s house and found her laying in bed. Little Red Riding Hood said, ”Grandma, what big eyes you have!” Grandma: ”The better to see you with, my dear.” Little Red Riding Hood: ”Grandma, what big ears you have!” Grandma: “The better to hear …

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, “Where are you going, Lil’ Red?” Red said, “To grandma’s.” Her mother said, “Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He’ll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little …

Little Johnny walks into his dad’s bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.Little Johnny asks curiously, “What are you doing, Dad?”His father quickly replies, “I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the …