Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by. “Boy, I’d like to screw her,” says one lawyer.

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, “Honey, I’m going to give you a night you’ll never forget.”They make passionate love with an ardor they haven’t felt in years. When they’re done, Bob asks his wife, …

I have an Apache buddy; he’s real slow, they named him: Runs Like a Cow. His brother’s fast, they named him: Flying Eagle. His sister had nine kids, they named her: Spread Eagle.

When I was 14, he sat me down, said, ‘Larry, someday you’re gonna meet a girl who’s gonna be so right and so wonderful and so perfect that you’re not even gonna haggle over price.’

I guess I feel a little more mature. I’m not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom. Although, the woman behind the counter said, ‘Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.’

He goes, ‘I’m afraid of homosexuals.’ And I keep thinking, ‘What are you afraid of? What are you afraid they’re gonna do — sneak in and redecorate the place?’

$27 million to find gays in the army — $27 million? Walk up to a guy, go, ‘Clang, clang, clang,’ — if he goes, ‘Went the trolley,’ you found him. Save the money.

The first girl I ever made love to, she was ghetto as hell. She told me, ‘You couldn’t even handle this.’ I was like, ‘Ooh, bring it over here. I’ll knock a welfare check out your ass.’

They always put the colleges in the middle of nowhere, and they always tell these kids, ‘Hey, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, and don’t have sex.’ And they make it so they have to. It’s like, your choices are Wal-Mart or Susie — hmmm, both are always open….