Knock, knock! Who’s there? Blow! Blow who? Blow me, of course!

One time I had ESP with my brother… It was a Friday night, and unbeknownst to me, my brother went out and got really drunk, just hammered. And that same night, I had sex with a really ugly chick.

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Gwenivere. The belt contained a miniture guillotine. Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the …

I got this new drug — it’s called the Internet. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of that. It’s a drug, ’cause one minute, you’re sitting down, checking your e-mail, and four hours later, your pants are down to your ankles, and you feel awkward and lonely. And you …

I was at the dentist the other day. He was like, ‘Kevin, you have gingivitis.’ I was like, ‘Damn it. I shoulda wore a condom.’

Ladies, you shouldn’t do that. You know why? ‘Cause we don’t even care if you have them. You’re totally wasting your time.

Women get close to orgasms; guys don’t. You ever get close to an orgasm? Guys don’t get close — we see the finish line, we cross the finish line. If we have to drag a broken leg, we will cross the finish line.

Q: Why didn’t Ken and Barbie have kids? A: Ken came in a different box.

Sometimes I’m so bored at a party, I’ll slip myself a roofie.

What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal? A head hunter!