To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that’s ribbed with feathers, two feet long and vibrates. That’s the one I want, and …

My dad looks at me, and he says, ‘So now, so now, what is it that the two of you do? What do you do?’ And I said, ‘Well, you know, Dad, all those things you really wish Mom would do, but she won’t? That’s what we do.’

Cockroaches are gross, though. It doesn’t even sound like a bug; it sounds like the world’s worst STD. It’s like, ‘You hear about Cindy? She’s got crabs.’ ‘That’s nothing. Bob — cockroaches.’

Why is Wednesday called hump day when most people get laid on the weekends?

This is a guy who believes that God made everything, but he’s got a sign that says, ‘God Hates Stuff.’ Why is God making stuff he hates, like, constantly? Is God off there really like, ‘Oh boy, what the hell am I doing here? Oh, why would I make another …

I wish I was a Puerto Rican dude ’cause when it comes to baby making, Puerto Rican dudes — bang! — first time, every time. Immaculate conception, my ass! You check the roster at Bethlehem, I guarantee you find a Jose Torres on it somewhere. Why do you think they …

My wife’s birth control pills also prevent acne. Coincidentally when I was a teenager, acne was my form of birth control.

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery — thought I’d share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it’s really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.

I should have known that my last relationship wasn’t gonna last because it’s not a good sign when your girlfriend’s favorite position in bed is the fetal position.