I’m looking into a new health insurance plan. I thought, you know, I’m a woman, I should really ask if they cover abortions. Then I remembered I never have sex. So, if I do get pregnant, I’d probably want to have the baby Jesus.

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?” Jane blushed and said that she didn’t know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher …

Sex is like a math problem to me: I work real hard on it for a few minutes, and in the end, I get it all wrong, always leave a remainder.

I don’t think I could be gay. I just like girls too much. Man, girls are neat. I’m gonna get one, I think.

You fellas seen these nursing bras? Cup opens right up. You got a snap on the cup: cup — poof — opens right up. Where have these been? I spent 16 years with my hand behind her back, ‘What is that a staple? A button? Little help?’

When I was younger, if a girlfriend was bothering a president, the CIA killed her.

When I was 22, I’d be like, ‘Shut up, man. I ain’t gay. Shut up. I’ll kill you, man. I’ll kill you.’ Now I’m like, ‘Oh, you think I’m 37? Fine, I’m a queer. Whatever. 35? I’m a little pink cowboy.’

When I was 23, if the president was hitting on me, I’d f**k him, too.

I love my wife, I really do. In fact, she talked about getting breast implants, but you know, then we found out how dangerous they were, so she’s not going to get them. So, she just got me the implants, which works out better ’cause I can bring them on …

Jack and Jill Went up the hill To smoke some marijuana Jack got high Pulled down his fly And Jill said I don’t wanna!