Seriously, this is what I really look like when I roll out of bed.

You’re an artist, right?

My last girlfriend was the Green Lady. Of course I’m talking about absinthe.

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn’t know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child’s …

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house …

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? A: So she could moan with the other hand.

Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? A: She tried to read her own lips.

How do you stop a dog who’s humping your leg? Whack him off!

I love creature comfort. That’s why when I’m coming off a relationship, I like to shave my left leg. That way when I roll over at night, it feels like there’s a woman in bed with me.

I read in the paper a couple of days ago that the number one thing that guys say when they get picked up for soliciting prostitutes is they say that they were asking for directions. So that means conversations like this are taking place outside my house: ‘Excuse me, ma’am, …