Can you help me pick out a design for my next tattoo?

I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. I’m not even sick — it’s just that I’ve been working out, and I want someone to see me naked.

I have five sisters — just body-conscious to the point of ridiculousness. My youngest sister was in a car accident one summer; now she’s OK. The girl was in a coma for two weeks, hooked up to all these machines, fighting for her life, and we’re at her bedside going, …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, I put a quarter up in her ear, and she spat out a packaged snack cake.

I’m 34 years old. I thought I’d be divorced by now.

You can get any kind of surgery imaginable in this town, too — and they do it — holy sh*t: Botox and collagen and vaginal rejuvenation. Oh my God, what — vaginal rejuvenation? How the hell do I know when that looks old? Who do you trust with that question? …

I can never be on that reality show ‘Survivor.’ They would vote me off ’cause the moustache would grow in.

My day was terrible. I spent six hours on the phone with IKEA technical support. It was six hours of this: ‘Um, can I speak to someone who isn’t Swedish? Yes, I was assembling the Klorn entertainment center, and I’ve become trapped inside.’

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she worked as a prostitute, she also collected tolls.

Do you guys know what Botox is? Women are injecting botulism into their face to paralyze the muscles that cause facial expressions that give them wrinkles. WHAT?!