Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute? A: A two-ton pick-up.

I had this girlfriend in high school, and we had sex, and at first I thought that was kind of hot… but I knew there was something wrong. I was kind of confused, so I went to see my guidance counselor, and the sex with him was so much better.

Whenever we use similes for some reason, we always use animals. And I’ll show you what I mean. They say a man’s an animal trying to pick up a girl at a bar. He likes to show her he’s strong as an ox, sly as a fox, memory like an …

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his penis. Immediately, he went to the doctor. “I have some good news and some bad news,” said the doctor. “The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news …

Q: Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex? A: He didn’t want to get hearing aids.

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom. The pharmacist asks, “Would you like me to put that on your bill?” The duck replies, “What kind of duck do you think I am?”

An 80-year-old man comes home and finds his 80-year-old wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall. He asks, “What are you doing?” She responds, “I know you can’t get it up, but maybe you can drop in.”

Every man in here knows the average vagina only stays ready for 30 minutes. After a while, you’re not making love, you’re making a campfire.

Sex with me is like a race: we both start at the same time; whoever gets to the promised land first is the winner.

A father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day. He asks his oldest daughter, ”Whom do you wish to marry? She says, ”Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.” He walks over to his second daughter and asks her …