I had sex with a Japanese man once. It was great. He made me origami three times.

My new favorite holiday is Easter because I celebrated a little differently this year. I had an egg hunt — in my womb. It was great. A lot of people came.

I was thinking about the word ‘genitalia’ the other day. But, I thought, if we didn’t know what that word meant, that would be such a pretty name for a girl.

I don’t have casual sex, but I picture casual sex — like, me with khakis draped around my ankles on a Friday afternoon at the office. Long live casual day!

You treat my daughter with respect — you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

It’s the parents’ responsibility to sit your children down and teach them shame of their bodies.

I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers’ Lane. When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you — I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to …

She was like, ‘Danny, I don’t like that name! We don’t have that stuff in this house. Nobody in this family uses that stuff. Your brothers don’t use it, your father — why do you want to use it?’ I was like, ‘What are you talking about, Ma? As a …

I recently got accused of ?screwing the pooch? — which I think is my favorite idiom in the English language because I think it’s a big leap from a minor mishap to bestiality.