He’s certainly not your average child molester… mostly because when you get to Michael’s house, there really are rides.

Last night, I had sex with my old girlfriend — not my ex-girlfriend, mind you, my old girlfriend. She’s 72, 73, something like that.

My phone rings — my home phone — and I don’t answer it. Half a second later, my cell phone goes off. It’s like, what part of ‘I’m masturbating’ don’t you get?

If you’re in a Mexican prison, you’re gonna hit the books, learn some Spanish — because shower-time is coming up, and you’re gonna want to learn a few phrases, like ‘Don’t put that in there, please.’

We practice safe sex. We practice really safe sex. The other night during sex, we had a fire drill.

A lot of people that are adopted are insecure because they feel like they weren’t wanted. But that’s crap, you know, ’cause a lot of people were complete accidents that are only here because of alcohol and prom night and, possibly, Oasis.

You ever just been by a place and been like, ‘Man, if I went in there, I know I’d get laid’? I get that feeling all the time ’cause I live near a prison.

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family who does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs. “How do you know that?” asks his teacher. “I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom …

Q: What did the d**k say to the balls? A: “You guys hang around here while I go inside.”

Q: How do crabs leave the hospital? A: On crutches.