An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you on the floor?”

To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one …

You’re the hottest thing since fire. I know it’s not saying much because we discovered it yesterday but still.

I think I just evolved into Homo Erectus.

You like clubbing? Really? Hey, look over there!

If I said you had a pronounced sloping brow, would you hold it against me?

Lions sleep 85% of their day, have sex up to 55 times a day. That’s what we should be shooting for. I would love to get that much sleep.

Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

Oh my God, Kennedy Airport — what a mess — all over you with those dopey security questions. ‘Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?’ Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80s.

When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship — first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you’ve stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.