Q: What did the bra say to the hat? A: “You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.”

Q: What is the difference between a boy and a girl? A: A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?A: Their boyfriends eat with their hats on.

Every time I have sex with a woman, I’m convinced she’s trying to distract me while someone steals my car. And then you realize, ‘Oh nobody wants a Suzuki Samurai that bad. It’s my lucky day. I should be enjoying my sex.’

You ever had a friend that’s only seen ‘Star Wars’ one time and they’re OK with it? Or they’ve only been to Disneyland once, they’re like, ‘Yeah, I went when I was 10. I don’t need to go again.’ Those are the same people I have sex with. I’m like, …

Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s? A: Even the guys’ penises have sideburns.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: “I don’t think I can get hard — I just got laid this morning!”

Q: What parts of a woman do men like most? A: Some guys are butt guys, some guys are boob guys, and some guys prefer looking at the tops of heads.

I went into a clothing discount store to buy a hat. I’m trying on these different types of hats, and there was an old guy following me around the store — he’s like 80 years old, and he’s staring at me. He really looked like a pedophile. And I’m like, …

It’s time for the employees of my local video store and the rest of the citizenry of the United States of America to recognize who I am — I’m Jerk-Happy Bob.