I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Ireland. They are really the nicest people on the face of the earth. You do a show there, you walk into the pub in Ireland — you have five best friends immediately. I walk into the bar, the first guy I see …

I’m so gay, I could put a lisp in the word ‘cracker.’

My brother hates gay people — hates us. ‘We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.’ ‘Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.’

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull? A: Beef Strokinoff.

Practice safe sex, fellas, whatever what you do. I’m gonna go a step beyond that — practice good sex. Women will appreciate that. Practice good sex. You know it’s some unsafe sex if you don’t do a good job and you try to go to sleep. Women’ll be like, ‘If …

Q: What do American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common? A: They’re both f**king close to water.

I just read about this study that says that, apparently, when women go on dates, they decide if they’re going to sleep with the guy or not in the first 12 seconds. Seems wrong to me, you know. How are these women getting drunk so fast?

You’ve been married to the women for 20 years. She don’t use nothing but Dial soap. Her mama uses Dial soap. All seven of her sisters use Dial soap in their seven respective homes. You can go through purse, pocketbook, and find Dial coupons any given time of the day …

My name is Jerlnack of the Trevlikfrah Nebula. That’s so you know what to scream.

Forget phooone hooome. How about phooone meeee?