Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she goes to a stadium, she sits next to everybody.

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he’s looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she went to St. Louis, she got stuck in the arch.

Last time I worked in a large venue was in Atlantic City. It was the oldest crowd I’ve ever worked for. I swear to God, I got heckled by a guy, and he said, ‘Take off your britches!’

I just got married a month ago. I feel good about that; that’s nice. I had to — I’m losing my hair; I got deadlines.

Diamonds are not my best friend. If we want to make it all about the ring, I’ll take a ring from a guy, but I want something cool in it, cooler than a diamond — like an mp3. How cool would that be? People’d say, ‘Let me see the ring.’ …

A gut — it’s horrible. It’s all I used to talk about. My wife hated it. My wife hated it so much that she left me in the weirdest way: by staying in the house and keeping all our stuff. I never thought of my wife as much of a …

Q: What happened to the man who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?A: He got a stiff neck.

There is a group of guys who love me. I’m six feet, and anyone under five-foot-two responds to me like I’m crack. And I’ve tried to date these guys, I really have, because they’re great people and whatever. But you know what? It doesn’t work. It does not work because …

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she has to wear snowshoes on dry land.