My financial situation has caused me to stop dating young girls. Look, young girls you’re awesome, you’re sexy, you got nice skin, but you got things in your life I don’t need in my life — like hope, and expectation and ambition. That ain’t me.

You must be from Tennessee ’cause you’re the only ten I see!

I have the worst genes. I have a hard time maintaining my weight. I have to work out like a tri-athlete just to maintain chubby.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she wore a red dress, and everyone shouted, “Hey, the Kool-Aid Man!”

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. “Is there something in particular I can show you?” he asked.“Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.”“You mean a sectional sofa,” he suggested.“Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room.”

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she shows up on radar.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she sits on a quarter, she squeezes a booger out of George Washington’s nose.

A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure. “We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob.”“That sounds good,” she says.Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that …

I’ve seen this at the Big N’ Tall store, a pair of pants in a size 50w/30l. Friend, when your pant size is also a motor oil viscosity, I think there’s a need for redirection in your diet program.

If you don’t know about the Big N’ Tall store, that’s where you thin bastards send us folks to shop. We don’t get any cool brand names; you little, thin people hogged those. You get the Gaps and the Polos and the Fubu. We don’t get no Fubu; we get …