Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.The first guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn’t have a garage door.”The second guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she …

— The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.— I’m bored. Let’s shave the p***y.— I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.— Let’s get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.— God, if I don’t blow you soon, I …

A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”

— The spouse who snores the loudest always falls asleep first.— The product you are most embarrassed to buy must be price-checked over the intercom.— The heavier the load and the farther you must carry it, the more your nose itches.–The original will be found when a replacement is bought.— …

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, “If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your …

A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband says, “Honey, let’s get busy.” She replies, “Wait until the spirit moves me.” Five minutes later he asks again she says, “Wait until the spirit moves me.” Ten minutes later, the wife says, “Honey the spirit moved me.” The husband …

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, “We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we’re on the trucks. From now on, we’re going to …

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.”Her sister sitting in …

Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?A: They realize they’ve given their last blow jobs.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: 45 lbs.Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?A: 45 minutes.