I don’t drink as much as I used to. I don’t like those hangovers anymore. Wake up with a splitting headache; your memory comes back like a little radio in your head — ‘Good morning, fool. It’s time for the news. You got drunk last night, and you hit on …

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives. The first man says he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. “That way,” he explains, “if she doesn’t like one, she can use the other.” The second man says he bought his …

I never thought he’d come home with this outfit with the blinking cups. Oh, I was never more proud. Electric blinking cups…. I was afraid to sweat. He says, ‘Honey, you seem tense.’ I said, ‘Well unplug me.’

A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out.Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the …

I have stuff on layaway at the Dollar Store.

L.A. has some pretty tough beauty standards, if I don’t say so myself. Because in Oregon, on a good day, I’m like a six or a seven — I’m not trying to brag — but in Los Angeles, I’m a man.

She’s old and all beat up; she’s only got one breast. So, I got her a part-time job at Hooters.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she uses pillowcases for socks.

White people, let me tell y’all something, y’all ain’t gotta worry — black people ain’t votin’ for no brotha with no perm.

Did anybody ever tell you that you have the most beautiful worm-infested eye sockets?