You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving your new nickname will be “Daaaamn!”

My friends say, ‘Rocky, you don’t seem that old.’ I say, ‘That’s because I read at a third grade level — keeps me young.’

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I’ll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving you’ll make the centerfold in Mountain Climber Magazine.

You ever go into those fancy malls? You ever see those girls working behind the cosmetic counters? They’ve got lab coats on. What are they doing, splitting atoms back there? I went in there to buy cologne; they drew blood and told me I had a yeast infection. You laugh …

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving you’ll put mayonnaise on aspirin.

I am in a fantastic mood tonight. I’m wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience. It’s called ‘Tester.’

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving you’ll need license plates for your shoes.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she made the centerfold in Mountain Climber Magazine.

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving next time you wear leather pants to a party, people will sit on your booty thinking it’s a couch.