Yo’ Mama is so fat, she got hit by a monster truck and said, “Who pushed me?”

I got hearing aids; I don’t wear ’em. Six hundred fifty bucks for those things — there isn’t anything anybody can tell me, that I don’t already know, that’s worth $650.

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it’s a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it’s a frilly bookmark.

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving you’ll have to iron your pants on the driveway.

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving, the highway department will make you wear an “Oversize Load” sign every time you take a walk.

We’re Scottish — that’s why I have a big-ass head, little wienie. It’s a curse. I’m hung like a field mouse in a snow blizzard.

Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn’t it annoying? Clutters everything up. I’m starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there’s a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.

You’ll be so fat after Thanksgiving your scale will read “Game Over.”

Yo’ Mama is so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

They’re having trouble now where women are beating up their husbands. Did you hear about that? It’s gotten so bad that they even have a shelter for the men that get beat up. It’s called ‘Bed Bath and Beyond.’