A Jewish guy’s mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, “What — you didn’t like the other one?”

I tell people, ‘Yeah, I’m from Chicago — what’s up?’ ‘Gasp! What street gang were you in?’ I’m like, ‘What the hell make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?’

I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle. I’m just kidding — I don’t pay child support.

Two boys are playing by a stream when they spy a woman bathing nude around the bend. One of the boys takes off running in the opposite direction. The other boy chases after him and asks why he took off.“Well,” the boy says, “my mom told me that if I …

You get to eat for two. You don’t have your period for nine months. It’s like a summer vacation.

Q: What do electric train sets and women’s breasts have in common?A: They were both originally intended for children, but grown men play with them.

Really? These are the best years of my life? I live with my parents. I don’t have a car. I’m a virgin. I have no money. And these are the best years of my life? Then kill me right now.

She calls me up in the middle of the night. She says to me, ‘Tracy, I can’t believe that I actually have a person inside of me.’ I said, ‘So do I. I’ll call you back.’

If I had woke my dad at two in the morning and told him he had to come pick me up ’cause I was too drunk to drive home, my dad would have said, ‘Well try, anyway. How many beers have you had? Six? What are you, a pussy? Get …

One of my sisters is pregnant for the fifth time. Spent 10 minutes with her four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.