What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.

Learner driver: What happens when everything’s coming your way? Instructor: You’re in the wrong lane.

Take the wheel, Harry! said the nervous lady driver. “There’s a tree coming straight for us!”

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. “How did you manage to do that?” he fumed. “Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

You know all that talk about backseat driving? Well, I’ve been driving all my life and can safely say that I’ve never heard a word from the back seat. What kind of car do you drive? A hearse!

My sister’s a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she’s run over.

A motorist ran into a shop. “Do you own a black and white cat?” he asked. “No,” replied the manager. “Oh dear,” said the motorist, “I must have run over a nun.”

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it …

How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car? Tired.

Why is it not safe to doze on trains? Because they run over sleepers.