As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, “You have any a problem, you come and see Mama.”Later, Marol’s husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, …

I was raised by people that wear lime green polyester pants and white vinyl shoes, and I thought that this was endemic to my race ’til I saw a black man wearing red polyester pants and white vinyl shoes. Then I realized — bad taste knows no color barrier.

A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a beer.“Can I have one, Dad?”“Can your d**k touch your a**hole?”“No.”“Then you can’t have one.” The dad took out a cigarette.“Dad, can I smoke one, too?”“Can your d**k touch your a**hole?”“No.”“Then you can’t have one.”On the …

I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the eighth grade level.

What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs? A beat-up girl scout.

I called up and said, ‘Mom, a bum yelled at me on the street and said something horrible to me.’ You know what she says to me? ‘Write the bum a letter. Tell the bum how you feel. Get all the rage out, Jessie. But don’t send it, it’s for …

One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another …

I get intimidated by people a lot, but I’m mostly intimidated by English children ’cause I think that they all sound like they’re 50.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?” The assistant says, ”$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant …

I quit smoking pot. I quit because I saw this commercial on TV — you may have seen the same one — it’s the one where this kid gets all his buddies together, they’re gonna go in the basement, and they’re gonna smoke some weed. So, he goes to get …