It’s very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses ‘miscellaneous.’

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody’s book, she came up to Little Johnny. “Show me the homework,” she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture …

I was present for all of their births. That’s expected of men now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I’m still not sure what our role is in the delivery room. As far as I can tell, it’s like waiting for your luggage at baggage claim. …

Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby? A: Your dad’s a wanker.

I could never, ever raise a child to whom I gave birth because a newborn is about the size of a basketball. And if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again — not even …

Q: How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.

Delivery’ is the wrong word to describe the child bearing process. Delivery is, ‘Here’s your pizza.’ It takes 30 minutes or less. ‘Exorcism,’ I think would be more apt.

There’s a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. ‘I’m a loser because my father’s an alcoholic.’ No, your father’s an alcoholic because you’re …

One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between ‘technically’ and ‘reality.’ “Son, I won’t tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I’ll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep …

I was growing up as a kid, which is the best time to grow up.