Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

How old were you on your last birthday? Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday? Ten. Oh, I don’t think that’s possible. Oh, yes it is – I’m nine today.

Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn’t 99 I’d be dead.

I forgot my brother’s birthday last month. What did he say? Rick: Nothing, yet.

Will you come to my party on Saturday? Yes, please, What’s the address? 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow. Why with my elbow? Well, you won’t be empty-handed, will you!

I’ve been shopping for my wife’s birthday present. What did you get her? A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didn’t you come to my house – you could have had some of ours for free!

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum’s too frightened he’ll break it!

What’s the greatest birthday present? Hard to say – but a drum takes a lot of beating.

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.

Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It’s a great present but I just can’t find the words to thank you enough.