I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed. Did you have a big role? No, just toast and marmalade.

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.

What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on? Cot-on-wool.

You can’t have any more chocolates tonight. It’s not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach. Oh, Mum. I promise I’ll lay on my side.

I’d like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

Three boys were sharing the same bed on holiday, but it was so crowded that one of them decided to sleep on the floor. After a while, one of his friends told him he might as well get in to bed again. There’s lots of room now,’ he said.

I’d love you to stay the night, but I’m afraid you’ll have to make your own bed. Oh, that’s all right, I don’t mind at all. Right. Here’s a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood’s in the garage. I have four legs, but only one foot. What am …

A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her house after dark. ‘Hello, Jenny,’ said the neighbour. ‘Isn’t it time for little girls to be in bed?’ ‘How would I know?’ asked Jenny. ‘I haven’t got any little girls.

Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace? Because she wanted to sleep like a log.

Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won’t come to them.