Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn’t pretty and wasn’t ugly ? She was pretty ugly’

She’s the kind of girl that boys look at twice – they can’t believe it the first time.

Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back. Will: Pity it’s not on her head.

Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. ‘I thought it was love at first sight,’ said Julie. ‘It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ? Man: It did for a while – then it fell off.

Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, ‘I took my girlfriend to see ‘The bride of Dracula’ last night. ‘Oh yeah,’ said the other, ‘ what was she like ?’ ‘Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring …

I can’t understand why people say my girlfriend’s legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks – but they certainly don’t match.

What did the really ugly man do for a living ? He posed for Halloween masks !

I don’t think these photographs you’ve taken do me justice. You don’t want justice – you want mercy !

Your ugly. And you’re drunk. Yes, but in the morning I’ll be sober !