On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, “Who here is a Mets fan?” Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie. The teacher asked, “Who do you like, little girl?” Rosie replied, “I’m a …

Faith is a huge concept for anyone to grasp, never mind a child. You have to be careful you don’t send mixed signals. I mean, when I found out Santa Claus and Easter Bunny weren’t real, that made it real tough on God and Jesus. Hey — at least the …

A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The farmer tells the little boy, ”I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.” The little boy looks up at …

My daughter will turn 13 in the year 2001. I don’t even want to know what kind of sexual practices teenage kids are going to be into by the year 2001. With any luck, everything will be so polluted, she’ll be wrapped head-to-toe in plastic and no one will be …

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?” The mother replied, “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.” The next baby walked up and asked, “Mummy why …

Inside, Michael Jackson is a black man. He has the sperm of a black man. Sure, he’s gonna marry Brooke Shields, but his kid’s gonna look like J.J.

I’m like, ‘I ain’t taking 13 kids to no damn movies.’ I was like, ‘I’ll take two of them, and they can tell the rest what they’ve seen.’

I grew up a Catholic, which is good. It gives you something to work out the rest of your life.

Sad to say — eight years of nuns, four years of priests, 12 years of therapy — here I am.

My mom always tried to make birthdays special for me. One year, she put a life-sized inflatable clown in my room, like it’d be neat when I woke up. Let me just tell you guys — you don’t know fear until you wake up in the middle of the night …