Fred: My mum’s having a new baby. Drew: What’s wrong with the old one?

Cry Baby – by Liza Weeping

What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.

Why did you drop the baby? Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.

It can’t go on! It can’t go on! What can’t go on? This baby’s vest ? it’s too small for me.

Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit’s new baby? She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.

Mum, are the Smiths very poor people? I don’t think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask? Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin’

Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please? But that’s the tenth one I’ve given you tonight! Yes, but the baby’s bedroom is still on fire.

Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a watch! Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it’s a nappy time.