Your dad’ll whack you a couple of times and move on. You piss off your mom: their eyes roll back, that third lip comes down. She whipped me with a dog collar one time — dog still in it.

I knew my parents had sex. I just didn’t think they liked it.

It sucks for Bush to walk around, ‘I’m not an insider.’ You’re the president’s kid! You’re a Baldwin!

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When he was finally done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted. “So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said, “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to a nice ripe old age.” So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe …

Where would you learn how to make ice cream? At Sundae school.

“Some plants,” said the teacher, “have the prefix ‘dog’. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by ‘dog’.” “I can,” shouted a blonde. “Collieflower!”

Everything’s got to be even. Like, if I scratch this hand, I’ve got to scratch this hand. If I tie that shoe, I’ve got to tie that shoe. If a celebrity adopts a baby from a foreign country, I’ve got to kidnap an American baby, fly it to that country …

Three bored girls are sitting around, and one of them suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops. The first girl says, “I want mine to be 7-Up, ’cause seven days a week, he’s up.” The second girl answers, “I want mine …

I wrote a book recently. It’s for kids whose parents put them up for adoption. It’s called ‘They’re Just Not That Into You.’