Why are these kids bringing all these guns to school? And the parents never know: ‘Oh, we had no idea. We didn’t know.’ How could you not know that your kids are making 30 pipe bombs in the garage? My dad knew if I broke wind in the backyard.

What’s funnier than a zombie baby? A zombie baby in a clown suit!

God is a man. No, wait, follow me on this — follow me on this. I figure any deity that has five and a half billion kids who haven’t seen or heard from him in 2,000 years — that’s gotta be a man.

Come from an Irish family. St. Patrick’s Day was our big holiday. The night before, we’d hang up our stockings. In the morning, they’d be full of beer.

A young boy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ”R,” and all the other kids were teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ”Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” …

Do you remember when you were in seventh grade, when the phone first came out? We were on the phone forever in the seventh grade, right? Twelve-years-old, you haven’t accomplished a thing in life, but every time you get home, you run upstairs, slam the door and talk on the …

Life is all about luck. It’s about being in the right place at the right time, that’s all it is. The best example of that has to be Angelina Jolie’s Cambodian kid, huh? Talk about being in the right orphanage in the right third world country!

You ever see your little son in school? You don’t even want to pick him up. I’m like, ‘Oh hell no, this is not my child.’

It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I’m trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?

You know how you spell words around kids you don’t want them to know? My Uncle Snooky always spelled the wrong damn words — ‘What do you say we go out to the c-a-r and smoke some dope?’