I never had hips. It’s because I don’t have kids. Everybody tells me that once I have a kid, I’ll grow some hips. That’s cool, but what do you do with the kid?

I taught P.E., and it was hot. I had to be outside, like, all day long, and I like to go out and drink at night. I had to stand outside in the sun, sweating like crazy. These damn little kids would be running up to me: ‘You smell like …

I don’t know if you’ve ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she’s pregnant, she’s walking around the house like, ‘Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning.’ I’m like, ‘No kidding, it’s about time someone …

I believe everything in life I learned from my parents. And by that, I mean that I’m divorced.

She had something like ‘time out.’ It was called ‘knock out.’

I wouldn’t go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn’t all beat me up — someone had to hold me down.

My parents’ 40th wedding anniversary last week. I talked to them. They’re feeling old, but they also believe it’s never too late in life to do the things you really want. So, this year they put me up for adoption.

Ever do that when you were a kid — sleep in your bathing suit? I wouldn’t even take it off to go to the bathroom. I just moved it on over.

I took on a summer job this year. I’m working down at the beach here, and I’m a lifeguard. Of course, I’m working on commission. ‘Hey, you kids, go play in the riptide. Go on there. Daddy needs a new CD.’

They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their lives, so they’re your best friends. ‘You know, Grandma, Dad’s yelling at me.’ ‘Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed ’til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.’