It’s like they’re running a self-esteem LensCrafters: complete loss of identity in about an hour, that’s the way she works. I go home, everyone’s sitting around the table. They’re like a Hebrew posse. They attack from right to left.

You know how some kids are so bad, when they run around the house, you hope they bump their heads just hard enough so they’ll fall asleep?

What happened to good names? You tell me, in the last five years, anybody who’s been introduced to a baby named Larry. Bring me baby Larry. Show me a baby Glen. Who are we gonna borrow tools from in the future?

My brother had a vasectomy a few years ago. Yeah, he found out the hard way it doesn’t always work. And it can make your baby black.

You grow up; you watch sports. They’re all older than you. You’re a little kid… You want to be like Mike. You want to be like Magic — ’til around ’90, ’91 or so.

They show these commercials in always the same happy, optimistic mood, like women are all looking for the good news they’re pregnant.

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.They both get off …

We didn’t have brakes. If you wanted to slow down, you skated on grass, that’s how you slowed down. If you wanted to stop, you’d head toward a tree.

A man phones his wife’s doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asks.

Q: What does a poor boy get for Christmas? A: Your bike.