I was about 14, my dad caught me drinking. I said ‘Dad, that’s the first time.’ He said, ‘That’s a lie — no one ever gets caught the first time.’ So that day, I robbed a bank.

A young boy sits on the edge of the sidewalk, eats some M&Ms, cuts off the back end of a grasshopper, and then moves down the curb. He does this over and over.His mother asks him what he’s doing. He says, “I’m playing trucker. I pop some pills, cut off …

You really wanna know what you look like to other people? Here’s how I found out. Don’t look at a picture of yourself or in the mirror. You really wanna know, have a child draw you.

A little boy brags to a little girl, “I have a big fire engine.” The girl responds, “So what? I have a fire engine, too.” He says, “I have a toy tank.” She replies, “So what? I have a tank, too.” The young boy drops his pants and says, “I …

She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn’t thoughtful. It wasn’t romantic. She just came in and said it: ‘Listen, uh — I’m pregnant.’

I just joined the Big Brother program recently. The very first question that lady asked me over the phone was, ‘Well what race do you want him to be?’ So just to mess with her, I said, ‘I don’t care what race he is, just so long as when I …

I have this picture of my daughter on my phone — in the bathtub when she was, like, a year old. I showed this girl — I’m on line at the store — I’m like, ‘Eh, pretty cute?’ The girl just looks at me, goes, ‘Aw, is that your daughter?’ …

Q: Why is Tigger always so dirty? A: He’s always playing with Pooh.

I’m not athletic. I gave up sports early. My last bungee jump was birth.

A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, ”Hey! Don’t pee in the pool!” The boy replied, ”But everybody does it!” ”Not from the diving board!” shouted the lifeguard.