I got the four kids and a wife, which is five more than I wanted.

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.” “What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” A little later, the nurse returns and …

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with “duck” he waved his hand feverishly. The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she …

It’s always been a dream of mine to get the minivan. I don’t know about you guys, but when I was in a high school, my bedroom wall was covered in minivan posters. I had that popular one, where the pregnant woman is leaning against the hood, surrounded by 14 …

I don’t think I could raise kids in L.A., though. There’s choppers searching for fugitives, like, once a month. What do you tell a kid? ‘Daddy, what makes that noise at night?’ ‘Timmy, that’s the sound of poorly planned escape routes and the fear of being sodomized.’

The average teenager watches six hours of television every day. At least with drugs, you’re out — you’re singing, you’re dancing. You’re meeting people. You’re breaking into homes. You’re networking.

Have you seen the beauty pageants for the little girls, little five-year-old girls? They’re really popular. Last one was so big, they had to hold it in one mother’s personal emptiness.

My sister used to wake me up late at night, tell me it was time for school. Did that every night — drove me nuts. Of course, it was always a relief to find out it wasn’t time for school, but then I had to walk back home.

Our greatest weapon against teen pregnancy is instilling in our children a sense of self-loathing because we have an epidemic of young Americans who see their naked bodies and don’t know it’s the work of Satan.

I smoked pot as a teenager, me and some friends of mine. We used to try pot every day before school. After school, we’d try it again. You know how kids are — I tried things every day for a couple of years.