I empower my eldest daughter. I tell her to be proud of where she came from. That’s why I named her Uterus, Uterus Feldman. She’s named after her grandmother.
Přečíst celý »Měsíční archivy: July 2016
Parachutes for two
Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute boy are on a plane when the plane suddenly develops engine troubles. “Bad news,” the lawyer said. “There are only two parachutes. You and me will go.” “What about the boy?” asks Michael. “Screw the boy!” “Do we have time?”
Přečíst celý »David Feldman: Education in Los Angeles
Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare. The guns, the gangs, the drugs — and I’m home schooling them.
Přečíst celý »Pain in the Tonsils
A mother takes her four-year-old to the hospital to have his tonsils removed. She asks the the doctor if he could also perform a circumcision while the boy’s under. The doctor agrees.When the boy returns to kindergarten, a classmate tells him that he is also going to get his tonsils …
Přečíst celý »David Feldman: American Teens vs. French Teens
American teenagers are six times more likely to get pregnant than French teenagers. And what does that tell you? It tells you that American teenagers are better looking. But I say, let’s learn from the French — don’t hand out condoms to high school students, take away their deodorant.
Přečíst celý »Otis Lee Crenshaw: How Poor?
What I’m saying is we were poor, people. I mean, blues singers would show up at our house when they had writer’s block — that’s how poor we were.
Přečíst celý »Dave Waite: What Parents Tell You Growing Up
My parents told me they were going to sell me to the gypsies. Oh, thanks, like, ‘If you don’t do your homework, we’re going to sell you to the gypsies. If you don’t eat all your food, we’re going to sell you to the gypsies.’ What sort of terrible business …
Přečíst celý »Only a Head
A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm …
Přečíst celý »Dave Nystrom: When Your Daughter Grows Up
When you have a little daughter, you don’t want her to grow up thinking one day she’s gonna get married and get pregnant and have a family. You want her to be like Barbie, the bleach-blond whore with the 28 double-D’s, rolling around the pink Corvette, having bisexual orgies at …
Přečíst celý »Oh, Goodness
Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge? A: He saw the salad dressing.
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